13 Things That Didn’t Happen To Me In 2013

It’s that time of year again. The time when we find many “year-2013-in-review” and “what-to-expect-when-you’re-expecting-2014” articles  littered about the series of tubes known as the internet. It’s only natural for folks to wax nostalgic as 2013 fades into the sunset one final time.

I, however, have never been one to follow the crowd.

So as we close out 2013 it’s time for my annual review of things that didn’t happen to me during the previous twelve months.

You’re welcome.

Didn’t attend a soccer match in the UK

Because it’s called football there, apparently. But while attending SQLBits XI, and on my first ever trip to Angleterre, I was able to find the time to attend the Arsenal at QPR match. I’m looking forward to seeing Arsenal play at home someday.

Didn’t get mugged in Madrid

Or lose either of my children while visiting there during TechEd Europe. I’m guessing it’s because we were warned many times about how Madrid (like any big city) had issues with pickpockets and tourists. As such we were on our guard all week. I was there to help deliver a pre-conference seminar titled “How to Be a Successful DBA in the Changing World of Cloud and On-Premise Data” and I can only hope that one day Jorge Segarra (blog | @SQLChicken) will know that I’ve been speaking and writing about Azure.

Didn’t upgrade my SQL MCM to 2012

Because they killed the entire program. Some mornings I wake up and do my best Charlton Heston “YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEWIT UP! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!” But then I remember that with a little bit of funding we can reboot the entire program AND eat chicken wings. Classic win-win if you ask me.

Didn’t get reappointed as VP Marketing for PASS

Because this past July I was elected to be the next President, and my term starts tomorrow. Honestly, I’m just as surprised as you are.

Didn’t get sequestered or furloughed

But many folks did during a government shutdown that could only have been thought as a good idea by the 535 morons we call “Congress”. The idea that a sequester and/or furloughs were seen as “winning” by either party should tell you all you need to know when elections come around again.

Didn’t suffer from horrible flooding

But my coworkers in Colorado sure did, including one person who lived in a mountain town that was essentially washed away. Can you imagine needing to leave you house, in a moment’s notice, and not return for 11 weeks while roads are rebuilt? You can donate to the relief fund here, if you so desire.

Didn’t lose my job to the Cloud

Nope, not even close to losing my job to Cloud offerings such as Windows Azure SQL Database. If anything the Cloud has simple offered me more opportunities, not less. That does remind me though…

Didn’t get fired from my job at Confio

Not fired, no, but Confio was acquired by SolarWinds so in a way I’m no longer working for Confio. I haven’t gone into many details about the buyout because, well, to be honest there aren’t any right now. It’s business as usual. I will say that I am looking forward to frequent trips to Austin, TX, where SolarWinds is located.

Didn’t buy more hardware for my Big Data problem

Because the Big Data problems I’ve seen aren’t just about volume.  Big Data is a lousy term for great business opportunities to acquire and manage data in a different way than we have before.  For those folks that do have issues working with Big Data I’m usually able to help show them that hardware isn’t the only answer for businesses trying to make use of all the data they can eat.

Didn’t trip on stage

Unless you count my tripping over the words that were coming out of my mouth. But I managed to walk on and off stage at the PASS Summit without falling down. Here’s hoping I break a leg next year, right?

Didn’t have tiny bags of ObamaCare delivered to my house

Although, apparently, that’s an option in my state.

Didn’t burn down my house deep frying a turkey for Thanksgiving

Because I didn’t deep fry a turkey, again. And I’ve yet to taste a turbaconducken, too. Lots of areas to improve upon here in 2014.

Didn’t have my data stolen in a massive security breach at Target

Well, as far as I know, it hasn’t. But chances are you, or someone you know, did. And Denny Cherry (blog | @mrdenny) reminded us how it can easily be avoided. I agree that it should be avoided because I’m tired of having to explain to merchants in other countries that my card needs to be treated special because it doesn’t have a chip.

There you have it, a list of things that didn’t happen to me in 2013.

I can’t wait to see all the things I won’t do in 2014!