That question is in my Top Ten Most Offensive Statements ever said to me, or to any father that is trying to share in the responsibilities of raising children.
And it happened not once, but twice, in my career.
But that’s not why I’m writing this post.
This post is about how to say “no” effectively. Had I been better at saying “no”, those words may have never been said to me.
As I progressed through my career from developer to DBA I brought with me all the baggage of my life. Part of that baggage is that I tend to list obstacles before doing anything else. Since nobody likes to hear you list the ten reasons why your team won’t get a project completed, you soon find you don’t get invited to many project meetings. Over time you learn to bite your tongue, or to simply say standard phrases like “that’s interesting, let me think a bit about it” and go back to your desk to write down your list and find a way to spin things in a positive manner.
So, when your boss asks (that’s my nice way of saying “orders”) you on Thursday night to show up for an 8AM meeting, if you respond like I did with:
“I can’t. I need to take my car to the shop, and I walk the kids to school. 8AM meetings don’t work for me.”
You are likely to get the same response I did: “Can’t your wife do that?”
I knew from previous requests he didn’t mean “Can’t your wife do that this one time”, but that “why isn’t your wife responsible for that?”
My initial reaction was one of rage. It shouldn’t matter if she can or not. I’m telling you what I need to get done for my family. Asking if my wife can do things is about as effective as telling me to go hire a nanny (which also happened once). My coworkers have heard me talk about doing things for/with my kids so much that one time I was asked if I was a single parent. I thought that was a wonderful compliment. It made me feel as if I was very involved in my kids lives, as every father should be.
And in this particular case my wife was already helping me “do that”, as she was giving me a ride back from the garage after I dropped off my car, which I was doing after I walked the kids to school. Because I’m doing my best to be actively involved in their lives. Not “helicopter parent” involved, mind you, just doing my best to put their needs before mine and share in the responsibilities. Since I travel a bit for work it is very important that when I am home I am doing my part with everything I can.
I truly wish others understood how there are many fathers in the world that feel the same way I do with regards to sharing such responsibilities. I encourage you to read more about our struggles and issues in The Broken American Male: and How to Fix Him by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, as that book outlines the pressures we put upon ourselves to be successful.
In our efforts to be the best we can be at everything we do, we end up taking on way too much. We spread ourselves too thin. We take on extra work, extra stress, and even extra debt all in an effort to be seen as a success. At some point you need to stop yourself, learn to focus on what is most important. You can only do that by learning how to say “no” effectively.
So, here’s my three ways you can say “no” to someone or something:
1. Say no – This is likely to lead you down the path I walked for many years. It is the least effective option.
2. Do nothing – No response is often better than giving “no” as your response. I recall reading about this regarding Steve Job’s handling of Google hiring some former Apple employees. Note how it took two weeks for Jobs to give a reply, and that was only after many people cajoled him to give a response. Google would have been better off taking no response as his answer, because now they left a paper trail that was exposed in court.
3. Say “Yes, but this is what it will take” – Taken form Gerald Weinberg’s The Secrets of Consulting: A Guide to Giving and Getting Advice Successfully, this way you are seen as being more positive, and it allows for your ideas to be better received by others. I imagine I could have avoided the situation above if I had simply said “Yes, I can do the call at 8:30, but I will need to end my day early to get my car from the shop.”
That’s a huge difference.
So, yes, my wife *can* do that.
And so can I.
I have been on the receiving end of this question more than once, and you often feel like your dedication as a DBA(or whatever) is being brought into question if you have to do “simple” thinkgs like take your kids to school. I *WANT* to do that stuff. I look for jobs that allow me that flexibility. I have copped out on the answer more than once, though, with excuses why my wife can’t do it. Only recently have I started answering with “That’s not the point.”
Exactly how I feel about it. I find that the people asking the question are usually on their 3rd (or more) wife, too. I suspect there is a correlation there.
Can you point me to them? I’m tired of working.
I find that the bosses who ask these things tend to have wives at home that don’t work outside the home. They expect that all “real men” have this arrangement.
As a corollary, I’ve had bosses that don’t want me to have a certain role because “she has a husband and won’t be able to work long hours”.
One of the great things about new generations of workers is that they don’t believe in these role-stereotype.
Full-time employees spend at least a third of their day at work and the other third sleeping. I think the whole concept of “long hours” is unfair because no one wants to be working all the time.
The part I love about “yes, I can do this, and it will take ____” is that I’m still saying “yes”. The ball is now in the court of the requester to say yes or no in response.
It’s also much more collaborative language.
Sometimes I have to say “no”: “Sorry, no I can’t. I’ll be on a plane then. I can either try to find someone else, or if you have flexibility, I may be able to do it at a later time. But I still have to start with “no”, because physics will keep me from from doing that, no matter how much I want to say “yes”. I’ve had a couple of people say “Can you change your flight? We will pay the change fee”.
Saying just “no” is so rare for me.
Well…you’re “experienced”. Some of us haven’t learned this yet. I struggle with it, still.
I once was looking real rough after an all-nighter upgrade, and the big milspec boss commented I should have my wife iron my shirt. I had to bite my tongue. Wife has a doctorate in clinical psychology, and I had to bite back “yeah, I’ll have her let that guy jump off the bridge so she can do that.”
I can’t say I’m surprised by this. Let me guess…that boss has been married more than once?
Nice post. What’s funny is a lot of men at work can’t figure out why women don’t respect them… umm because you think every married guy should treat his wife like a maid! Lots of people at work say to me “Oh you’re wife stays at home right, she doesn’t have a job?” You try dealing with four boys it’s almost a 24 hour job. Believe me it is much more intense than being a DBA.
Being a dad is more than just bringing home a paycheck until you don’t care that your kids just see you as an ATM. The less time you spend with your kids now, the more time you’ll be in a nursing home when you’re older. Yeah yeah, I have no DATA to back up my claims but I’ve lived in countries where the concept of nursing homes does not exist. That is because parents take care of kids, raise them well, make sure they are the priority and then the kids to the same when their parents are old and frail and need help.
I don’t need to see your data on this one, I believe it.
When my children were younger I would be one of the few dads that would
show up to pick them up from school or volunteer for events of one sort
or another. I worked remotely and my wife was frequently unable to
leave the office mid-day to join in on the fun (but would do so when
possible.) At the time they went to a private school and the woman who
founded the school and ran it as the head administrator would often
thank “all the wonderful mothers who give selflessly of their time” at
various events.
I’m not sure if the other fathers took
that as an insult, but there were a few times when it appeared she was
looking directly at my wife and I when she said it as though she was
judging us for not having a traditional family where Amy stayed home
with the kids while I worked to bring home the bacon. Quite interesting
coming from a working woman who was (hopefully) helping to raise both
boys and girls to be leaders in society (and presuming the economy and
business as well) one day down the road.
Yeah, I sometimes pick up on hints of that in our school and activities, how boys and girls have traditional roles and expectations. I’m hoping that my children are in a home environment that shows them they don’t have to follow the norm.
Nice post. Heh. I can relate to it now, with a 9-month only, it is becoming so challenging to “good” dad and husband. No one has said those words to me; but when I am talking to some people. I do get the impression and least their body language does say. “You’re wife is at home, why doesn’t she do it?”. My simple answer is “Our Kid & Our Responsibility”; Its not Her Kid and Her Responsibility. If I had to take care of the little one all day and work, I did go nuts. So I am thankful for having understanding wife. As a Microsoft SQL Server PFE, I am on road almost all the time. So can relate to you soo much right now. And I need to learn to say NO also, so if you don’t mind I am going to borrow those titles to figure that out :).
Of course you can borrow them, that’s why I wrote the post, to help others that struggle to find the right words as I often do.
Thanks for the comment!
Thanks for posting this. It really can be frustrating being an involved father and husband. Even in our own family, Grandparents are often shocked when my wife is out of town (“Who is watching the kids??”), or when she isn’t home “to make dinner” (which I do every night).
Yeah, I sometimes get similar questions from grandparents.
Sorry i’m late to the game, but i’ve been working 🙂
But this was a very interesting POV. As a woman in IT, i’ve been lucky to work around men who are also dedicated to being there for their kids as much as their wives. It really puts me at ease because I always get the feeling that I should be clocking those early hours and late nights but I don’t because I have a family. Usually I feel like it’s easier for men because all the other men expect their wives to handle the doctor’s appt, school trips, etc… To hear that men to sometimes get the guilt statements doesn’t make it better, but at least now I know it may not be 100% sexism only to women. Kudos for taking up for your wife’s time and your responsibilities that you want to take not because you have to. Once my husband told one of his clients who is a DBA that I was a DBA but I wanted to be a stay at home mom, which I do. The client said why because he knew I should make a lot of money. People don’t really get the important stuff in life. While none of my job responsibilities go undone and I do extra as well when called for, my family still is first in my life. I tell them that during the interview, and at this current job, I even first turned down the offer saying they should hire someone without a family, and they still hired me, 3 years ago.
Thanks for the comment Nat. Yes, there are more important things in life than just money.