Thanks for sharing your thoughts nat, much appreciated.

Hi again,
I guess this is my day of responding.
I wanted to repond to you and DrOWL.

As we know ideologies have changed considerably since we were kids. I still have my own general standards of what is bullying and what isn’t. I think there is a difference between teasing and bullying – the difference is that if someone is teased the person may not intend to bully or hurt the person, but it does hurt. A teaser may move on but a bully will continue. To think that we will live in a peace and love society is unrealistic. Teasing isn’t fun, and it’ s up to the parents to teach the person teasing or being teased how to handle it. My stepson was a ‘bully’. We didn’t tolerate it and sometime between 2nd – 4th grade it was corrected. He still is now a 7th grade boy and while I don’t consider him a bully he has moments when it’s him and other boys and the get into name calling and at most some pushing. Again, we don’t tolerate it and let him know that. We aren’t perfect but we try to set the example. Whenever the school or parent approached us, we were apologetic and corrected his behaviour. Why as a society do we find messing with each other fun? I don’t know that answer, but ‘smack cam’/ ‘scare cam’ is big on vine.

As for DrOwl, it seems like your issues were not only the bullies, but your parents. Parents need to protect their kids. I think that is what Thomas was doing but as an adult he can protect his self, vs have two sets of rules. My kids tell me all the time about them being teased. I tell them to say ‘later hater’ and walk away. When they come back and say that walking away doesn’t work, then I talk to the teachers. There have been times where I have to walk up to a kid and say hey don’t treat my son like that, because then they know someone cares about my son and their behavior is not going unnoticed. I could not imagine my children getting spit on by anyone without me either changing their school or getting the behavior modified, even if it mean me going to that school everyday and getting those kids expelled!

As for work, I have never been bullied, but i’m female, so i’ve felt the sexist attitude, and on top of that i’m black, and i’ve never had direct racism, but I know the indirect looks/comments when people can’t believe a black female can be in technology and know what they are doing.

I hope your son learned a good lesson and doesn’t let that incident become a road block to him. My son is similar, he’s a big kid but doesn’t want to fight. I’m always like I hope when he gets older he doesn’t get picked on cause he has a soft heart and big body. But if he does, I hope im instilling in him know some self confidence to know it’s them and not him!

I certainly did not intend to write an article that would make anyone angry. I’m sorry if that’s the case here.

You’ve raised some valid points. I’m going to address each one.

My son is behind on his social skills. We know this and are making every effort to work with him. While my words may suggest I am blaming him for this, I am not. If anything I blame myself for not having helped prepare him for situations like this.

I said the boy should find an adult because all children need to be taught how to do things, including how to hate. Adults need to teach children that using their fists is not the answer they are looking for. I was not intending to tell them that someone else needs to defend them.

I believe that going to HR is standing up for yourself, same as going to the principal, or finding an adult. Asking for help is not by itself a bad thing. Asking for people to start attacking someone else on your behalf, whether in real life or online, is not the right thing to do.

I understand the legal implications with going to HR. I understand that may not be a viable option for every circumstance.

I was bullied and teased as a child. Most people were. I have yet to find anyone that ever claims to have been a bully, which is odd considering everyone feels they were bullied to some degree. I’m familiar with what happens when people are bullied:

http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/03/holding_for_pho.html

I’m also familiar with what happens when people are bullied online:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/07/hannah-smith-suicide-cyberbullying_n_3714687.html

Sometimes mere words cannot be ignored. Cyber-bullying is a real thing, and it hurts real people.

I don’t believe either you or I are in a position to judge how other people are made to feel as a result of being teased or bullied, whether in a virtual world or a physical one.

I’m sorry that my post has disgusted you. There is a clear defined definition of what bullying is, and I’ve done my best here to interpret that meaning. My eyes see the definition as something that defines more than just a child’s world. I understand you don’t agree with this, and that’s fine.

I would think you do agree that all of this makes for a very sad topic.

Instead of debating the semantics of a definition and scenarios I am going to choose to spend my energy on finding ways to help people communicate and learn to work together without feeling the need to bully or tease others.

> Mostly it’s because my son doesn’t know how to take the social clues needed to avoid being in the situation in the first place.

I want to point out that this is victim blaming. Your son showed bravery but instead you turn it around and made it his fault for being there. There’s another argument like this: women should not XYZ because if they then get assaulted that’s their fault. Does this sound familiar? Why is that so unfair when put in the context of a girl, compared to a boy?

> then the boy should have found an adult to help

This is the hypocritical part. Where you have one set of rules for other people, you had no problem (because you gave yourself the title adult) chasing down the kid yourself. You are teaching your son learned helplessness – you are not allowed to defend yourself, have others defend you! But then you say this:

> These days I don’t ever ask someone else to comment or tweet in my defense. I’m perfectly capable of standing up for myself online, thank you.

So it’s appropriate for YOU to do what you want and break your own rules. But everyone else must play by other rules. Don’t defend yourself. Go running to HR.

> Unfortunately there is a stigma associated with going to HR, and it’s the same stigma that is associated with children going to a teacher or a parent.

No I think the stigma is that HR is there to save the company from legal complications, and claiming that you’re a victim (even if you are) is a legal complication that is most simply handled by firing the victimised employee – and I have seen this first hand many times.

Everyone should think twice before coming to HR unless you have some savings and are ready to lose your job, then take the company to court afterwards for justice (assuming you live in a country where the courts might care – Australia is one of them).

I just want to tie things up now on this:

> I have personally been attacked by others through my blog or on Twitter.

I know the terror of being bullied at school, mercilessly, where you are FORCED to attend by law every day, are literally beaten up, spat on, and have groups of people treating you like garbage. Where teachers have their hands tied and can’t act against the entire school of kids, parents don’t care, and kids don’t care.
I don’t care what level of “attacks” you have to bear on your blog or Twitter. These are mere words that can be blocked and ignored, in a community of billions instead of a schoolyard community (or workplace) of just a few or a few hundred people.
Having people be mean to you ISN’T bullying, and CALLING it bullying demeans all of the people who ARE or WERE bullied every day. I would have traded my entire childhood of abuse for your entire adulthood of mere tweets. The way you act like one is like the other is frankly disgusting.

Thanks Ed!