Ha! I understand completely what you mean by that (and, in a way, that’s kinda sad, I guess).

Thanks again for reading!

What’s also intersting about my job is I have indeed worked it many years, and I feel like I am really deep in some parts of SQL, yet I know almost nothing about other parts. For example I have NEVER worked with SSAS (except to hack my way thru some installs) and I have NEVER worked with Replication (except to study it for some certification exams). I was offered a job by Microsoft to be a PFE where I would basically be working on a different part of SQL every week if I wanted to, but I wasn’t able to travel. 🙁 I felt compelled to respond to some of the nasty comments “only needed to cover the corruption” since that’s not the case. I in fact DO see other forms of corruption — mostly active neglect, and crushing incompetence — so yes it’s there, but not in MY job!!

Wow! Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment!
I think part of the disconnect here is that a lot of these tasks are something you’ve grown into as time goes on. For example, if you have 15 years experience as a DBA then SCOM came along during that time and it is something that is listed, (Oh, if you need monitoring tools, you should contact me, I happen to know a few people that can help!)
But the reality is it will be hard to find someone to fill your shoes exactly, because every shop is different.
And I have no doubt you are underpaid!
Thanks again for the comment!

But the rest of it is not, because the rest of it IS exactly what I do.

Yes, I have a TS clearace, as do most of the people I work with. Some *only* have a Secret. 🙂

Troubleshoot performance issues and other problems using SQL Server profiler, SQL Server Performance Dashboard Reports, Activity Monitor, PAL tool and Perfmon.
Yes, I do this all the time, to some extent, almost every day.

Apply SQL Server Service Packs to the current patch level, and Cumulative Updates as required to address specific issues.
Yes I do this, albeit infrequently, since patching government production servers is a paperwork nightmare.

Routinely solve critical production problems, and perform point-in-time database recoveries.
Yes, we have outages nearly every week, although they are often not caused by SQL Server. I have to do DB restores maybe once per month.

Build, deploy and manage SQL Server Management Data Warehouse and Utility Control Point servers.
Yes, in 2012 all my production servers and most pre-prod servers have MDW. Usually not UCP though.

Responsible for many related technologies including installing Windows Server on both physical and virtual machines in VMware, implementing iSCSI as needed, allocating EMC/Clariion SAN LUNs and mount points, creating service accounts and adjusting GPOs in Active Directory, configuring networking and firewall rules, and much more.
Yes, I do all of this to some extent. The point is if you don’t know anything about this stuff you will be lost. Yes we have both Physical and VM machines, yes I build my own SQL Server clusters in VMware by creating a “virtual SAN” by using iSCSI, and presenting LUNs to the SQL cluster machines. Not fast, but it worked, and allowed me to architect up, build, and test complex cluster configurations.
Yes, I have to deal with the SAN team all the time and make sure they set up LUNs correctly, on the correct SANs, and I test performance to verify they are set up correctly. Yes, when you build a SQL Cluster objects are created in AD, and you have to move them so they get the correct GPOs. Nothing works if you don’t do this, or you are violation security protocols, one or the other.

Topology and capacity planning including number of Windows and SQL Server cluster nodes and SQL server instances, CPU and RAM speed and quantity, local disk configuration.
Yes I do all this. How do you design a big, complex SQL cluster if you don’t??

In-depth SAN optimization including LUN, mount-point, RAID and spindle configurations, queue depth, and load-balancing algorithms.
Yes, I do all this. It sounds fancy, but there are really only a few things you have to do as a SQL DBA for this, and we had Microsoft people come in and go over this with us. I don’t know all the details, and any candidate didn’t either, but familiarity is helpful otherwise you just install SQL and set up one LUN on the SAN and think that’s OK or whatever. Or some people never worked with SANs before, this is a Senior position, they at least have to have some level of exposure.

Develop and implement complex T-SQL, VBScript and PowerShell scripts for administration tasks.
Yes I do this every day, if I didn’t I wouldn’t know what’s going on in my environment. Trust me, the government is way too busy wasting your tax dollars on other stuff, they can’t afford any real monitoring tools for us! I complain about this ALL the time.

Author and maintain all SQL Server documentation including DBA manuals for most every server including design, installation and configuration, as well as detailed work logs.
I know most people don’t do this, but I do. Rigorously. When I win the lotto 🙂 you will be able to take my job and hit the ground running because I have make it easy for you.

Ensure high-availability and data security by implementing Windows and SQL Server Failover Clustering and SQL Server 2012 AlwaysOn Availability Groups, rigorous backup and recovery plans, SAN mirroring to disaster recovery sites, and implementation of Department of Homeland Security SQL Server hardening guidelines and auditing.
Yes, I do all of this. This is fundamental to my job.

Perform regular maintenance including index optimization, consistency checks, and data file and transaction log size monitoring using built-in tools, custom written T-SQL scripts, SQL Agent Jobs, and Database Mail; and enterprise monitoring using SCOM.
Yes I do all of this except SCOM — they really do NOT invest in monitoring tools!

Upgrade DTS packages to SSIS, and develop new SSIS packages for ETL.
Yes, I do this pretty often.

Monitor and optimize index fragmentation using scripts from Ola Hallengren.
Yes, I install and use Ola Hallengren tools on all production servers, and many pre-prod servers to test things out.

Yes, this job description is real, because this is what I do, and what you would need to do in this position. And yes the compensation numbers below are in-line with what we are paid. Not enough, in my opinion!