You have a spot on your shirt.
It’s right there and it’s not a huge problem. We can work through it together.
But you should know you have a spot on your shirt, and we need to do something about that.
How many of you would feel comfortable with someone (specifically someone in a position of authority) coming up to you and telling you that you have a spot on your shirt? How about if it was something a little more serious, say, a performance evaluation? Criticism is not always received well, and is rarely delivered well. As a result many professional relationships can be strained from both sides: some people are ill-equipped to give constructive criticism and many more are unwilling to accept such a critique.
I’m human, and I have failings. I know this because I get reminded of them either directly or indirectly from those around me. One of my failings is the fact that I am honest, at times brutally honest, with those around me. It’s a failing because not everyone wants to be told they have a spot on their shirt.
I find it refreshing, however, when someone takes the time to treat me with as much honesty as I would give to them.
If only the entire world could be so simple.
I find that almost everybody do appreciate being told they have a spot on their shirt, if done correctly!
I don’t know anything about you personally but I’m reading quite a bit of frustration between the lines of your post.
Do you think there are ways you be better at telling people about the spots on their shirts, or their utterly flawed database schemes? I’m not asking rhetorically. Maybe you’re already very good at it and you are surrounded by extremely sensitive people.
John,
No frustration really, just expressing my feelings a bit on how much I value honesty and feedback. I think some people are apprehensive to provide feedback to others because they are afraid to hurt som feelings. But if they don’t provide feedback then things may get worse, and not better.
Perhaps the key element here is trust. If we were to assume good intentions on behalf of the person delivering the news maybe that would be a better approach for everyone that is being told about that spot on their shirt.
I get really frustrated with that too. The literal-mindedness of programmers and engineers doesn’t always mesh with what’s “acceptable.”
A few tricks I’ve learned to use are…
1. As silly as it sounds, I try to keep a mental score of positive things I’ve pointed out vs. negative things I’ve pointed out. If there’s an area of somebody’s code (schema, etc) that sucks, and all they ever hear from me is “This sucks, that sucks, this is screwed up” I get tuned out. But in almost every other case there’s something to build on, some positive thing they do, and I try to point those things out and give (honest) praise.
2. People worry about how they look to others, especially the boss. If I have to criticize somebody’s work I try to do it constructively (“Hey, I think there’s some low-hanging fruit here we can really improve”) and not in front of others, especially the bossman/woman.
John,
Yes, always having something positive to say is a great first step to take and is often the thing that many people overlook. I learned that trick as a young basketball coach, where I would look for two things to say “good job” for before allowing myself to mention something that needed improvement.
As for worrying about you look to others…well…that’s a harder thing to overcome. Timing is everything there, I believe.
Agreed. Honestly is something very much lacking in our society. I feel the most important thing is to be honest to oneself. Just as the saying “charity beings at home” so too does honesty. If one is honest with the face seen in the mirror then one in turn can be honest with other people — whether they be personal or business relationships. People who are in denial and are dishonest with their reflection will so be in turn with other people. Sad, but it is often true.
Gary,
Good points, thanks for the comment. I think the world would be a better place if we could be honest with one another and accept honest feedback when it is given. Too often I run into people who are WAY too eager to tell everyone else when things are wrong, but are unwilling to accept that they themselves could use a little work, too.
In my tradition, giving a rebuke to someone who is failing in some way is considered a commandment. Not doing so is to effectively enable them to continue failing – you are now an accomplice. You are now liable for a portion of whatever punishment the other person experiences as a result of their behavior.
So you can imagine the people in my community racing to tell others how they are failing. And what result that has.
Which is why my tradition includes extremely strict and detailed rules about giving rebukes. When, where, how, from and to whom.
It must be done with a feeling of sincere love. Not just respect or kindness or “love your neighbor”, but honest to God L-O-V-E. You don’t have that in your heart, then keep your yap shut.
It must be done in a way that will NEVER embarrass the person. Not in the middle of a meeting, not when they are already having a bad day. Not when they are already on edge or defensive (say, in the middle of a performance review.)
It should only be done when you are CERTAIN that the rebuke will be received well (meaning it will not cause anger or defiance) and has the chance to result in the person changing their behavior for the better.
In short, while my tradition COMMANDS me to offer my honest rebuke, it puts conditions and limits such that I have to be extremely thoughtful in the execution.
I think that’s an important aspect of what you are talking about. If I’m committed to being honest, I must be equally committed to being saavy and skilled at dispensing that honesty.
Wonderful comments Leon, thanks for taking the time to write them down and share.