What Will The Next Version of SQL Server Be Named?

I have no idea. Seriously, I don’t. Oh sure, you might think I know because I am on the PASS Board of Directors, I am a SQL Server MVP, and I rub elbows with all sorts of MS execs but nobody has said one word to me about the actual name of “SQL Server Code Name ‘Denali'”. Either they don’t think I can keep a secret or they know me very well. I haven’t figured out which yet.

So I decided to put on my marketing hat and come up with a short list of possible names for the next version of SQL Server. You’re welcome.

SQL11

This one is just too obvious. The next version number for SQL is 11, so why not just call it SQL 11? Because it’s too obvious, that’s why. If Microsoft always did the obvious then English Query would have never made it to RTM.

But the thought of getting Spinal Tap together for a reunion tour for the launch events is just too good to pass up. Imagine Nigel Tufnel taking the stage and telling everyone that this version of SQL Server goes up to 11? Priceless.

SQL2011

Microsoft hasn’t used the version number for SQL Server since SQL Server 7.0, and instead has used the year (2000, 2005, 2008, and 2008 R2) in the product names. So why not go with SQL 2011? Because it won’t be released this year, that’s why. But if they did they could still go with Spinal tap for the launch events.

SQLClippy

Why do we need version numbers or years anyway? Why not bring back Clippy and introduce SQLClippy (or even SQL Bob)? Imagine how helpful SQL Clippy would be for the end user: “It looks like you are writing a query. Can I help you with that? Is this query going to return data, or update data? Would you like for me to rebuild all the indexes when you are done? I see you are running low on available memory, would you like me to use more?” That has #SQLWINNING written all over it.

SQL2012

Everyone knows the world will end in 2012. Well, I suppose by “everyone” I really just mean “the Mayans”. Which seems odd that they knew the world would end in 2012 but couldn’t look into the future and see that the Spanish were on their way. Anyway, in terms of marketing this name has a lot of potential. You could bring back the whole “Windows ME” meme with “SQL Server 2012: Mayan Edition”. And you could have a tagline of “SQL 2012: The last version you’ll ever need!” Again, this is priceless.

iAlwaysOn

I think it is about time that Microsoft jumps on the whole “i” bandwagon, even if it is 15 years too late. They can do this by tying in one of the most anticipated features (“AlwaysOn“) to the “i” meme and go with iAlwaysOn. It would be like I, Robot except without the death and destruction.

SQL3000

I would love to see Microsoft shed itself of both version numbers AND year assignments and go with something as forward thinking and futuristic as SQL3000. And now that Arthur C. Clarke has passed it should be easy to secure the rights to use all of the HAL 9000 references necessary for promoting the product. Imagine the launch events with this tagline: “SQL 3000: Only one-third as sentient as HAL”. It really doesn’t get better than that.

SQL3

Why this one? Because 3 is a magic number. Your target market remembers Schoolhouse Rock. Embrace that.

Sybase ASE 16

If all else fails, return to your roots. Sybase hasn’t claimed this number, so maybe Microsoft should. Then all of the launch events could be a “Sweet Sixteen” party.

And no, I have no idea why Microsoft hasn’t hired me for marketing yet.

Article first published as What Will The Next Version of SQL Server Be Named? on Technorati.