SQLstrology

So the other day I noticed that colorstrology is apparently a real thing and not something that I thought I was dreaming about after pulling an all night bender with ten pounds of double thick bacon. But what has yet to be written, until now that is, would be…wait for it…wait for it…

SQLstrology.

Yeah, that’s right, it is about time we start being more aware of how the Universe plays a part in the life of our servers. After all, a server has a birth date, right? And we can place that date of birth into the Zodiac, right? So why don’t we have horoscopes for our daily work with database servers yet? I mean, wouldn’t you want to know more about your upcoming day at work just by checking your SQL horoscope?

Stay with me here, it’s not like I am talking about SQL biorhythms.

So, let’s go with the regular signs of the Zodiac and just examine what these horoscopes would look like, shall we? These horoscopes work for both your birthdays as well as the servers birthday because I like to multi-task.

ARIES (March 21st – April 20th)

The moon squares with Venus and a developer decides to rebuild all clustered indexes on your 2TB data warehouse. Today will be long, but you can work through your problems with patience, resistance, and a fifth of bacon infused vodka. Lucky number is 3.

TAURUS (April 21st – May 20th)

Saturn is in Cancer today which presents a perfect opportunity to defrag your data drives. Unfortunately you forget that you are connected to the production server. As you spend time updating your resume, also look to reflect upon what you want to nurture and bring into being. Lucky number is 72.

GEMINI (May 21st – June 21st)

Like the Universe itself, today brings endless possibilities for dear Gemini servers. Your new index maintenance scripts are either going to earn you some well deserved recognition or plenty of free time in the future to explore your other interests. Lucky number is 64.

CANCER (June 22nd – July 22nd)

Today is the day that you forget to stop on the way to work to buy some coffee. Your server will suffer as a result as you will fail to notice the alerts regarding free disk space. Love is in the air, but give yourself some time and space. Lucky number is 6.

LEO (July 23rd – August 23rd)

You come back from a conference and cannot wait to try out all that you have learned. Unfortunately you learned on hardware that is much newer than your server. You have much more to learn. Lucky number is 10.

VIRGO (August 23rd – September 22nd)

You feel the energy of sixteen quad core processors flowing through your veins today, but fail to notice it is really just leftover Jaeger from the night before. You stop for some bacon on the way to work. Harness the energy from the bacon and Jaeger to complete that data warehouse project. Lucky number is 12.

LIBRA (September 22nd – October 24th)

Everyone knows that servers need cooling. Well, everyone except for facilities management who decides to save money by turning off cooling on the weekends. Today will be long, hot, and did we mention long? Lucky number is 13.

SCORPIO (October 24th – November 22nd)

Jupiter is in Mars today which really sounds impossible, but so does the idea of a 50 TB data warehouse and you had no trouble putting that together. Well, maybe a little trouble. And you sure had trouble taking backups in any reasonable timeframe. In fact, forget we said anything. Lucky number is 23.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd – December 21st)

Actually, you should just stay home today. No numbers are lucky for you.

CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 19th)

The planets align and give you the opportunity to perform some extra P2V migrations as part of a physical server consolidation project. At the end of the day the network will crash. Management will blame your migrations, you will blame the network, and the network guys will blame management. The perfect circle of IT life. Lucky number is 144.

AQUARIUS (January 20th – February 19th)

Today there will be a test of the building power. When the power is restored, your server will not come back online. Well, not all of it at least. Some of the system databases will be just fine. Lucky number is 32.

PISCES (February 20th – March 20th)

Mercury is in Saturn, which is also similar to saying that you are way off course. Your server will failover three times today, for no apparent reason. You want to find out why, but you need to stay focused on the big picture. Lucky number is 11.

And for those servers celebrating their actual birthday today:

If today is the birthday of your server you are in for a real treat as you find out why service agreements come with one year options for support. Renewing your license should be easy, but it isn’t. Bring a pillow to the office because you will be sleeping on the floor while waiting for the power company to get the elevators working again.