As we close out 2008 and look ahead to 2009 my thoughts are slowly turning around what my life would have been like had I followed my dream back while I was a freshman in college. Back then my roommate suggested that we drop out of school, take steroids, work out for eight hours a day, and join the WWF (the World Wrestling Federation, not the panda-loving hippies that sued for the rights to the WWF name).
Of course even with the necessary physical stature we still needed a hook. I forget what my roommate wanted to use, but I remember mine. I was going to be “The Mathematician” and use my persona to get little kids excited about math. I would call them “Mathemaniacs”, and get at least one entire section of the crowd on my side each night, holding signs with the quadratic formula. I would even get the Count from Sesame Street to make an appearance every now and then.
Plus, I would have henchmen that would follow me everywhere. They would be named “Sine” and “Cosine”, and my manager would simply be “the Unknown Variable X”. My signature moves would have names like “the Hypotenuse” which would be similar to a forearm shiver and “the Square Root” which would be similar to a small package. I can imagine the commentary now:
“OH! The Mathematician just gave Hulk Hogan a Hypotenuse, and the Hulkster is DOWN! It’s no wonder he is down, no one can figure out the Hypotenuse. And now the Mathematician throws Hulk against the ropes, and Sine grabs him by the ankle and trips him. Now Cosine and Sine are arguing over some piece of pie. The Mathematician grabs Hulk again and…OH NO! IT’S THE SQUARE ROOT! NO ONE HAS EVER SOLVED FOR THE SQUARE ROOT. WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO THE SQUARE ROOT OF HULK HOGAN?”
And then the Count would lead the crowd while the referee pounded the mat three times, the match would be over, and I could grab the microphone and says things like “One plus one equals zero, Mean Gene”, and just confuse everyone in the building while the kids went crazy and kept throwing me their homework assignments.
No doubt I could have made several million dollars by now with a hook like that. And I would need it to cover the medical expenses after years of physical abuse to my body, but I am willing to bet the overall experience would be worth every penny.
Please understand that I am not against the World Wildlife Foundation, or the hippies that comprise most of its membership, I was just trying to distinguish between their WWF and the one that used to employ George “The Animal” Steele.
BWAHAHAHA
If wrestling was that exciting, I’d start watching.
Rick Flair would have kicked your ass.
“Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff would have also kicked the index seeks out of you
First, Rick Flair was about a hundred years old. I am certain I could take an old man, even without the steroids and constant weight training. If nothing else I could have run around the ring until he simply tired, sat down, and asked to watch the People’s Court.
As for Paul Orndoff, let’s just focus on actual wrestlers, and not people that got attention simply because they rode the coattails of the great Rowdy Roddy Piper. Thanks.
You could still pull it off! Think about all the retirees coming back! Is there a Seniors Tour in the WWF?