It’s Sunday evening. You are sitting down to have dinner with your family. Suddenly your phone rings. You want to ignore it because, let’s face it, your phone rings a lot. But you see the person calling and knowing they don’t call very often you decide to answer. On the other end of the line a harried voice tells you the words that every DBA dreads hearing:

“The server is slow.”

Many thoughts run through your head: Well of course it is, otherwise you wouldn’t be calling, right? And why doesn’t anyone ever call me to tell me that the server is running fast? And what, exactly, is meant by “slow”? 

“OK, do you have any other details for me?” you ask.

“Yeah, I sent you an email an hour ago with some charts that PAL returned. Don’t you check your email all day on Sundays?”

You resist the urge to hang up and go to your laptop to examine the images that were sent. You see the following:

Page Life Expectancy

Lazy Writes per Second

Page Reads per Second

Full Scans per Second

Batch Requests per Second

So, why is the server running slow?

Next week Jason Strate (blog | @stratesql) and I will be doing a presentation for the Minnesota SQL Server User Group (PASSMN). The title of the talk is “Choose Your Own Adventure: Performance Tuning”. We will walk you through a scenario not unlike the one I have outlined above. We will talk about the various techniques you have at your disposal when it comes to performance tuning and help you understand which techniques are most useful.

And you, the audience, will decide how we troubleshoot and solve the scenario presented. Life is an adventure, and at times so is performance monitoring and troubleshooting.

Think about what you would do first for the scenario above, or what a new DBA might do, or what an MCM might do. Think about how long you have before your manager decides to hire a DBA that has all the answers already. Think about what you can do to fix this issue immediately. What steps would you take? What questions would you ask? Leave your comments below.

Next week I will be attending the 2012 Microsoft MVP Summit. This will be my third Summit but it feels like my first because there are going to be a lot of new faces there for the first time. That’s why I wanted to take the time to remind everyone that the MVP Summit is essentially like Fight Club, but with less soap.

Not only is the MVP Summit crowded in secrecy, but so is the process that Microsoft uses to even select someone as an MVP. Oh sure, they list some details on their website but the process itself is rather a mystery even to those of us in the program. Many days I find myself channeling my inner Groucho Marx as I wonder why I am so lucky to be able to mingle with so many great people. The bottom line is this: no one can tell you what it takes to be an MVP.

Everything about the MVP program, especially the Summit, is clouded in secrecy just like the club started by Tyler Durden. In fact, let’s look at some of the rules for the MVP Summit that were emailed to me earlier this week:

Rules of MVP Summit

1. You do not talk about the MVP Summit.
2. You do not talk about the MVP Summit.
3. When someone yells “JAVA” or goes limp, or taps out, the session is over.
4. Only two MVP’s to a hotel room.
5. One session at a time.
6. No Twitter, no Twitpic, and no G+.
7. Sidebars go on as long as they have to.
8. If this is your first time at the MVP Summit, you have to try the salmon.

After reading those rules it just seemed like a natural fit. Let’s get to the preview!

“The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!”

Attendees at the MVP Summit are under a strict non-disclosure agreement with regards to the materials they will be shown during the sessions. The NDA we sign covers us at all times throughout the year; not just the Summit. You may not know it but people are asked to leave the MVP program periodically for violating their NDA. Wait…I wonder if I just violated my NDA by telling you about how others have violated their NDA? Oh, the irony.

The bottom line here is that we are asked to provide feedback on features and products that have not gone to market yet. Discussing these items is not really an option for those that wish the remain in the program.

“You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O’Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?“

This quote covers a couple of things. It gives a glimpse into the grind that is travel. Fortunately I do not travel as frequently as Tyler did, but even when I do travel things can be difficult. Just being away from the family these days gets harder and harder. This quote also touches upon how fleeting our lives are, ending one minute at a time. In this case, my current MVP status is ending one minute at a time. I am up for renewal in April which means if I don’t get renewed then I may not get another chance to attend a Summit. So for me it is a no-brainer to attend.

“You had to give it to him: he had a plan. And it started to make sense, in a Tyler sort of way. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.”

The whole point for the Summit is for Microsoft to get feedback from the most active members of their communities. Now, think about what it must be like to be in Microsoft’s shoes. A year ago, some member of the SQL development team was given an assignment. They have been working on something for months. They slaved to get some feature put into SQL 2012 that will be shown to us during a session. And when we see it we will likely be underwhelmed, or critical of the implementation chosen. Some of us try to be polite about our feelings; others are a bit more…direct in their approach.

People and companies that build software have this ability about them to take suggestions or criticisms, shrug off the ones that do not matter, and instead focus on the ones they recognize as important. And the good companies do that very well.

“In that case, sir, may I advise against the lady eating clam chowder?”

I have heard a lot about the food at the Summit, and last year I was also able to read about it on Twitter. I have no idea what is on the menu this year, but I am looking forward to breaking bread and bacon with some good friends for a few days.

“He was full of pep. Must’ve had his grande-latte enema.”

The MVP Summit is technically not in Seattle, but it is certainly close enough (Bellevue) for us to have a reference to coffee somehow. I have no idea at what point if and when they will be offering enemas at this years Summit, as I didn’t see that on my schedule builder. It may just be a service offered at the Hyatt for their Platinum members. 

“Can I get the icon in cornflower blue?”

This quote is for the inane requests that all software companies can receive. I have seen and heard the crazy requests that the product team is given during the Summit. I would get them all the time as a DBA. My personal favorite was the time I was asked to increase the size of the data page for one database and to “let them know when it is complete” (not if it was possible, just when I finished getting it done). The point here is that people are going to ask for some crazy things, as well as for things that have no functional purpose whatsoever. Having icons in certain colors really doesn’t matter. Being forced to see the blue-on-blue in PBM does matter, but there may be little to nothing that will be done about it. But, hey, we are there to provide feedback, right?

“Uh, well… You’re not gonna believe this…”

Besides feedback the product and development teams get a lot of support requests in the form of sidebars. I know that I do not think twice about asking for help with anything “strange” that I have been seeing. I have seen times where someone is asking for feedback during a session and someone raises their hand and starts in with a “why are you wasting your time with this as opposed to fixing this other thing?” Or, it could be the case where we are sharing a meal and we find out that we are talking with someone who works on the product team and we start in with a “you won’t believe the stuff I have seen in my shop.” Microsoft is looking for feedback from real world scenarios, and I am always happy to oblige where I can.

“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.”

This quote is perfect for recognizing the effort given by a lot of different people. The amount of effort that the product and development teams put into their work is nothing short of amazing. It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of effort, and a lot of coordination in order to get things done, specifically for shipping a product as complex as SQL Server. And it also warrants mentioning the event itself. Putting on the Summit requires a great deal of effort as well, and should be recognized.

“Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?”

I am arriving late in the afternoon on Monday and leaving Friday afternoon. I live on the East Coast and getting home from Seattle makes for a long day (or a long day and night). I try to time my arrival and departure as best as possible to attend sessions and every year it seems as if extra sessions are added to the agenda after I have already booked my travel. It’s frustrating but I can’t complain because just being invited to the MVP Summit is like winning the lottery and I would have to be an idiot to complain about not being able to have everything work in my favor.

I did notice that there isn’t a keynote on the agenda for this year. I’m not sure why that is the case, and perhaps one has been added recently.

“What do you do for a living? Why? So you can pretend like you’re interested?”

This quote speaks directly to the networking aspect of the MVP Summit. I have no idea how many MVP’s there are in the world, but I do know that MVP’s exist for just about everything. xBox, Zune, OpsMgr, SQL, and even Visio have people recognize as MVP’s. That means I am going to have the opportunity to meet a lot of new people outside of SQL Community in addition to the people inside the SQL team itself. If you are reading this and heading to the MVP Summit, track me down and say hello, I would love to meet as many new people as possible.

And if you are every uncertain about something, or need some direction in life, you can always stop and ponder the question: “What would Tyler Durden do?”

If you are planning on attending TechEd this year then you will have a chance to see myself and Denny Cherry (blog | @mrdenny) deliver a precon seminar. The title is “Microsoft SQL Server Performance Tuning and Optimization” and we are very excited to have this opportunity. And apparently Microsoft is excited to have us as well, because they are also sending the two of us to Amsterdam to do a repeat performance two weeks later for TechEd Europe.

Denny and I have been working on the precon now for a couple of weeks. It’s tough since we both have full time jobs and live on opposite ends of the country, but we manage to meet at least once a week over Skype to discuss the session. Here are just a few of the performance tuning items we are planning to discuss:

• Table Partitioning
• Filtered Indexes
• Columnstore

In addition to those items, we are also going to discuss how you can implement AlwaysOn read only replicas to help scale your system for performance as well as walk you through some general troubleshooting techniques with regarding to execution plans.

The last registration update had our precon in the lead for attendees, in both countries. We’d like to keep that trend going.

Go and get yourself registered for Orlando, Amsterdam, or both!

I'm hoping they have enough wine to go with all that cheese.

The announcements came out yesterday and I can now tell the world that I will be presenting at TechEd this year. Denny Cherry (blog | @mrdenny) and I will be doing a precon seminar at TechEd in Orlando in June. The title is “Microsoft SQL Server Performance Tuning and Optimization” and we are very excited to have this opportunity.

And apparently Microsoft is excited to have us as well, because they are also sending the two of us to Amsterdam to do a repeat performance two weeks later for TechEd Europe.

Go and get yourself registered for Orlando, Amsterdam, or both!

I’m making a list of all the things I want to see and do in Amsterdam while there, and I’m putting Van Halen at the top of the list followed by eating a raw herring while wearing wooden shoes and sitting under a windmill.

This Saturday I will be in Louisville, Kentucky, to present two sessions. One of the sessions is a joint session with Tim Chapman, and it is something brand-new that has never been seen before called “Choose Your Own Adventure: Performance Tuning“. And yeah, we are very excited to be building out a series of CYOA sessions. And since we can’t be everywhere all the time, Tim and I have asked for help from Jason Strate (blog | @stratesql) and Tim Ford (blog | @sqlagentman). The four of us are looking to give the CYOA series at various SQL Saturday events in 2012. But we really have no idea if it will work or not. This Saturday is v1.0, so if you attend please provide us some feedback.

The other session I have is one I have done before and received great reviews on:

Monitoring Databases in a Virtual Environment

Abstract: When moving databases to a virtual environment the performance metrics DBAs typically use to troubleshoot performance issues such as O/S metrics, storage configurations, CPU allocation and more become unreliable. DBAs no longer have a clear, reliable view of the factors impacting database performance. Understanding the difference between the physical and virtual server environment adds a new dimension to the DBA tasks. This presentation describes the changes that DBAs need to make in their performance and monitoring practices.

What this means: It means that when you go virtual you have an extra layer of abstraction to investigate as a possible root cause. Failure to do so will cause you to waste time when trying to resolve performance bottlenecks. Since I HATE wasting time I will walk you through some performance scenarios and help guide you to making better decisions about resolving possible performance issues.

Who should attend: Anyone running SQL Server on VMWare and is still using Task Manager to determine if there is a problem. On second thought, I don’t want you coming, you are probably going to be more trouble than you’re worth. I want people coming that have heard of vSphere, or vCenter, but don’t know the difference, or why they should care about them. I’ll make you care, I promise.

There you go, see you Saturday, I can’t wait to hear what I will say!

Sitting on the plane, just a few rows back from Mark Souza, and a few rows ahead of James Rowland-Jones as we head to Seattle for the PASS Summit. We met some else on our flight heading to the Summit as well, and I know of a few folks on other planes arriving around the same time that we will. Mark and JRJ are going to head to the Microsoft campus for some meetings and I am going to head downtown and hope to be in my hotel room by around lunchtime.

If I was a bit more organized I would have put together a Summit Preview blog post using quotes from the movie Highlander. Why that movie? Simple, because right now I feel as if this is our Quickening, where all the immortals gather to sort out who will be “the one” and win the Prize.

Well, I would use that movie except for one little detail. The SQL Community is not about one person, winning a prize for having bested all the other immortals over a thousand year battle. Instead, to me, the entire SQL Community is “the one”. And while we are still a tad shy of having been on Earth for one thousand years in many ways the kindness we show to each other and to the first timers we meet along the way seems to be a part of human nature that goes back tens of thousands of years.

You are going to hear this phrase a lot this week: This is Community. When you look around the room during the keynote it will be hard for you to feel otherwise.

To me the Summit is a lot of things: a Community, a gathering, the Quickening, a summer camp, the Super Bowl of SQL conferences, a place where I can hear many different languages being spoken, and a place where I can help make a difference.

I don’t know of any other place quite like it for SQL geeks like myself.

See you soon.

I am sitting in my usual seat (3D) flying home from the SQL Saturday event (#97) in Austin. This event has cracked my top five events for the year, despite my almost having been murdered in my motel the night before. I’m not joking. Ask anyone else who stayed there if they also felt like we were in a scene from “No Country For Old Men“. I guarantee the answer is “yes”.

I only had one talk (SQL Server Memory Management, a tune up for the same talk I am giving at PASS next week), and I only attended one talk (by Conor on the columnstore in Denali) during the day, but I met some truly wonderful people during the day of the event, as well as the night before during the speaker dinner. I think I even recorded some video that night, and will post it once I find it.

During the morning introductions Wes Brown mentioned that I had the honor of being the very first speaker to sign up for the event. I reminded Wes that he promised me bacon (which was NEVER delivered) and that’s why I came to Austin. But the truth is that I came because Wes asked. It really was that simple.

I have known Wes for a few years now, and he is one of those people on this Earth that I drop everything for when they ask for a favor. When he told me he was having an event, I didn’t hesitate to register, regardless of the bacon factor. There are times when I am simply in awe that Wes F’n Brown would even talk to me, so it is natural for me to want to serve him in any way possible. I am already counting the days until I can return to Austin.

This was a wonderful event, mostly because nobody lost their life despite the high probability for those of us at that motel. (Then again, we *were* right across from a hospital, so chances are we would have been saved, but I really don’t know). It was great to connect with some old friends as well as to make lots of new ones.

I am quite honored to be a member of this Community.

Thank you.

This Saturday I will be in Kalamazoo, which I thought was the birthplace of Derek Jeter but it turns out that he was born in New Jersey and moved to K-zoo when he was four. I am guessing that as part of the speaker dinner we will also get a tour of Jeter’s childhood home but I haven’t been able to confirm those details yet. Needless to say you can rest assured I will take pictures of the house should I get a chance.

I have two sessions lined up for Saturday. Here is what they are about:

Monitoring Databases in a Virtual Environment

Abstract: When moving databases to a virtual environment the performance metrics DBAs typically use to troubleshoot performance issues such as O/S metrics, storage configurations, CPU allocation and more become unreliable. DBAs no longer have a clear, reliable view of the factors impacting database performance. Understanding the difference between the physical and virtual server environment adds a new dimension to the DBA tasks. This presentation describes the changes that DBAs need to make in their performance and monitoring practices.

What this means: It means that when you go virtual you have an extra layer of abstraction to investigate as a possible root cause. Failure to do so will cause you to waste time when trying to resolve performance bottlenecks. I will walk you through some performance scenarios as well and help guide you to making better decisions about architecture, design, and resolving issues.

Who should attend: Anyone running SQL Server on VMWare and is still using Task Manager to determine if there is a problem. On second thought, I don’t want you coming, you are probably going to be more trouble than you’re worth. I want people coming that have heard of vSphere, or vCenter, but don’t know the difference, or why they should care about them. I also want people who have extra slices of bacon, since this talk is close to breakfast time.

Waits and Queues and You

Abstract: Many database professional have little to no understanding about how to use wait events as part of an overall performance tuning process. And yet wait events are the secret sauce that many leading experts have been using for years. Attend this talk and you will gain an understanding of the SQLOS execution model, an understanding of how to use DMVs to find out what your queries are waiting for, and why using wait events could be the best thing to happen for your career as a DBA.

What this means: I am going to explain to you how the database engine processes statements in terms of the “running-waiting-runnable” cycle. And I am going to do so by drawing comparisons between the SQLOS and to the most efficient, professional, consistent organization on Earth: the TSA.

Who should attend: Anyone that has never heard of the SQLOS, or has gone through a TSA checkpoint. But only if they don’t ask any questions because the talk is late in the day and I will likely need a nap.

There you go, see you Saturday, I can’t wait to hear what I will say!

I had a great time this past week in South Florida. First up was the PASS Board of Directors meeting on Thursday and Friday. We chose Ft. Lauderdale as the location for our meeting because it gave us all a chance to visit a SQL Saturday event, similar to what we did in Nashville last year. After getting our business done on Friday we went over to the speaker dinner where I got to meet a handful of the local user group members such as Scott Klein.

The event on Saturday was very well run and had a great facility. The best way to describe it? Think “mall food court atrium”. We had plenty of space, the vendor tables were position all around the perimeter so that the people would flow around us all day. Any time I attend a SQL Saturday event that allows for people to interact easily (like KC and the old casino) I consider it to have the makings of a great event. I’ve seen a lot of venues over the past two years and to me that is the main differentiator between them all.

We didn't have the balloons, but we did have tables for folks to sit at.

I was originally scheduled to do two talks but about a week before the event I was asked if I could do a third talk because someone had backed out. Naturally I said yes as it gave me the chance to try out a brand new talk regarding database monitoring in a virtual environment. After my first talk of the day I went back to the Confio table and heard Scott make the following announcement:

“Is there anyone willing to speak right now? We had a speaker no-show and there is a group in the room waiting.”

I quickly said “yes”, followed by “what should I talk about”. The Quest rep at the table next to me said “I think you should talk about Foglight for the next hour” which was his way of telling me that he really doesn’t know me. I agreed to talk about Foglight and had to ask him three times if he really wanted that. Eventually he looked at me and said he would pay me to NOT talk for the next hour.

I went into the room and told everyone that I wasn’t the guy they were expecting to see and that if they had a second option they wanted to attend they should go to that one because I didn’t have any presentation materials. Then I asked what the session was supposed to be about and they told me SQL Server Audit. As it happens, I did some talks on SQL Server Audit as recently as 16 months ago, so I told them I would go see if I did have some slides. I came back with my laptop five minutes later and sure enough I had some slides. About a dozen people stuck around to listen to me talk about SQL Server Audit despite not having prepared anything for them.

I got through that talk OK, the best parts had to be me looking at a slide and saying “I have no idea what this is for”. Most of those slides were pictures that had helped to enhance my story, but I had long forgotten the story. My favorite slide had to be the one that just said “DEMO”, which took me by surprise. I think I managed to get through the demo of SQL Server Audit anyway, but the fact that each slide was like Christmas morning was an interesting experience.

So I ended up doing four sessions on the day, was able to stay around for the vendor drawing, and then boarded my flight home. I got in about 1AM and slept for most of the day on Sunday.

And if you pressed me for a ranking, I would tell you that SQL Saturday #79 has entered my Top Five Favorite SQL Saturday events of all time.

Great job to everyone that made it happen.

I have no idea if those two items are related or not but I felt it warrants mentioning.

Anyway, this Saturday I will be in South Florida, which is apparently the new name for Miami. No, I don’t know how or why we need to call it “South Florida”, but if they really wanted me to visit more often they would call it “North Cuba, serve me pork sandwiches, cut power to my hotel room every few hours, and give me fantastic healthcare.

I have three (!) sessions lined up for Saturday. That is officially a record for me, I have never done three sessions at one event before. I usually only submit one session for consideration because I don’t like to take away a speaking slot from someone else that needs the chance to speak and grow their presentation skills. Not that I don’t need the same help, I just have many more opportunities than most. I happened to submit two this time, then a third, only had two of those accepted, and then when someone backed out I was asked to step in. So, there you go, you’ll have three chances to hear me go on and on about the topics below:

SQL Server Memory Management

Abstract: Are you suffering from memory issues? Is your SQL Server configured for proper memory management? Attend this session and learn how to best determine if you are suffering from memory pressure, how to resolve issues that result from memory pressure, and how to properly configure your SQL Server to minimize the chance of having memory issues.

What this means: I come across MANY customers and clients that are seeing memory pressure but have little understanding of how a few simple configuration changes can make a big difference when it comes to SQL Server memory management.

Who should attend: Anyone that is running Win2003, 32-bit version, with 4GB of RAM, is expected to be attending this session. And I *know* there are more of you out there than would care to admit to this, just like the masses that are still running SQL 2000. Others that should attend are people who are unfamiliar with terms like VAS and VMM, or how memory pressure can be external or internal.

Monitoring Databases in a Virtual Environment

Abstract: When moving databases to a virtual environment the performance metrics DBAs typically use to troubleshoot performance issues such as O/S metrics, storage configurations, CPU allocation and more become unreliable. DBAs no longer have a clear, reliable view of the factors impacting database performance. Understanding the difference between the physical and virtual server environment adds a new dimension to the DBA tasks. This presentation describes the changes that DBAs need to make in their performance and monitoring practices.

What this means: It means that when you go virtual you have an extra layer of abstraction to investigate as a possible root cause. Failure to do so will cause you to waste time when trying to resolve performance bottlenecks. I will walk you through some performance scenarios as well and help guide you to making better decisions about architecture, design, and resolving issues.

Who should attend: Anyone running SQL Server on VMWare and is still using Task Manager to determine if there is a problem. On second thought, I don’t want you coming, you are probably going to be more trouble than you’re worth. I want people coming that have heard of vSphere, or vCenter, but don’t know the difference, or why they should care about them. I also want people who have extra slices of bacon, since this talk is close to lunchtime.

Waits and Queues and You

Abstract: Many database professional have little to no understanding about how to use wait events as part of an overall performance tuning process. And yet wait events are the secret sauce that many leading experts have been using for years. Attend this talk and you will gain an understanding of the SQLOS execution model, an understanding of how to use DMVs to find out what your queries are waiting for, and why using wait events could be the best thing to happen for your career as a DBA.

What this means: I am going to explain to you how the database engine processes statements in terms of the “running-waiting-runnable” cycle. And I am going to do so by drawing comparisons between the SQLOS and to the most efficient, professional, consistent organization on Earth: the TSA.

Who should attend: Anyone that has never heard of the SQLOS, or has gone through a TSA checkpoint. But only if they don’t ask any questions because I need to make a flight home immediately after finishing this talk.

There you go, see you Saturday, I can’t wait to hear what I will say!