15 Things That Didn’t Happen To Me In 2015

It’s that time of year again. The time when we find many “year-2015-in-review”, “what-to-expect-when-you’re-expecting-2016”, and “resolutions-you-will-not-follow-in-2016” articles littered about the series of tubes known as the internet. It’s only natural for folks to wax nostalgic as 2015 fades into the sunset one final time.

I, however, have never been one to follow the crowd.

So as we close out 2015 it’s time for my annual review of things that didn’t happen to me during the previous twelve months.

As always, you’re welcome.

Didn’t get caught cheating on my tests

Unlike Volkswagen, who got caught cheating on emissions tests going back over ten years. That’s a LOT of cheating folks. So much cheating that I’m surprised that Roger Goodell didn’t try to suspend Volkswagen for 4 games for deflating those results.

Didn’t win the World Cup

But Team USA did exactly that this past July with a 5-2 rout of Japan, showing us that the phrase “play like a girl” now means “score a hat trick in the first 16 minutes of a World Cup final”.

Didn’t watch any Super Bowl commercials

Because I was in Germany watching the game, and the international broadcast is ad-free. It’s a wonderful way to watch a game, as it gives you time to decompress from the action instead of being wound up for hours. Oh, and having your team win on the final play is a nice thing, too.

Didn’t get a flying car

Despite being promised one for decades, and a commercial reminding us of this failure as humans, cars still require roads. But thanks to the Google Alphabet, we now have self-driving cars, which are being pulled over by the police.

Didn’t keep my Microsoft SQL Server MVP award

That’s because it’s been renamed to the Microsoft Data Platform MVP award. Check out the new award categories and pay attention to how many times you see the word “Azure” in the Data Platform award compared to “SQL Server”.

Didn’t lose my job to the Cloud

Despite all the changes to the Microsoft MVP program and its cloud-first focus as a company, I continue to have a job. Of course, I’m not a DBA anymore either. Those items may be related.

Didn’t find life on Mars

But we did find evidence of water, which won’t provide any relief for the folks dying of thirst in California. Did you know it takes 900 gallons of water to grow one outdoor marijuana plant? I’m now wondering how soon for the first batch of Martian Red.

Didn’t lose during the database design throwdown events

Running my perfect record to 9-0, 2015 saw victories for me at Enterprise Data World and the PASS Summit. And while we aren’t officially booked (yet) for any event in 2016, I am certain we will do it again somewhere in 2016 because I believe in giving Karen (blog | @datachick) a chance to finally win one of these debates.

Didn’t release a Star Wars themed version of DPA

Despite the incredible amount of merchandising for The Force Awakens, my company did not release a special version of Database Performance Analyzer for the occasion. We did, however, use the opportunity to give away some themed t-shirts as well as some #SQLStarWars tweets.

Didn’t choke to death on a Scotch egg

While at SQLBits last year I found myself on a mission: to consume a Scotch egg from a London pub. It took me most of the week but on my last night I found myself a delicious Scotch egg. Yes, I find this exciting enough to list here, partly because the pub was a near replica of The Winchester from Shaun of the Dead. Don’t judge me

Didn’t get my data breached

Well, not that I know of anyway, thanks to HaveIBeenPwned and Troy Hunt (blog | @TroyHunt). But with data breaches becoming more common than sand in your shorts at the beach, I’m a bit surprised that my data has been kept safe. Must be that I’m selective about who I do business with online, unlike other people in my family.

Didn’t get re-elected as PASS President

I did not seek an additional term. While eligible to run again I knew it was not the right thing for PASS to have one person serve four years. I start my term as Immediate Past President January 1^st, 2016, for a period of two years, and I am looking forward to the challenges that role will bring.

Didn’t burn down my house deep frying a turkey

This is mostly due to the fact that I’m not allowed to even attempt to cook the bird in this manner. But if I did, I would be certain to follow all the necessary safety precautions. Besides it’s not like we live in Texas, which sees about 38 such home fires a year at Thanksgiving.

Didn’t buy EMC for $67 billion

But I did buy some VMWare this year, so that’s kind of the same thing, I think, because EMC owns VMWare as well. Or they did, but now they don’t. But maybe they do. It’s all rather confusing.

Didn’t close down this blog

In fact, it got a facelift. I’ve even started a newsletter, too. I’m over 1,000 posts now and still enjoy writing posts like this one when I find the time.

There you have it, a list of things that didn’t happen to me in 2015.

I can’t wait to see all the things I won’t do in 2016!