Last night my son was beat up by a boy three years older, six inches taller, and twenty pounds heavier.
My son is OK today, no physical bruises, just a slight bloody nose last night. The reason for the fight? Mostly it’s because my son doesn’t know how to take the social clues needed to avoid being in the situation in the first place.
Two girls started teasing him about his teeth, calling him “buck-toothed”. He isn’t, his teeth are in a state of flux because some have recently fallen out, you know, like they do for most every other human on the planet. My son didn’t recognize he was being teased and started doing what he always does: talk.
He debated with the girls about his teeth. The girls upped their teasing. My son, as defiant and stubborn as his father, didn’t back down. Soon swearing was involved. At that point the older boy (there were only the four children on the playground) decided that violence was clearly the solution to my son defending himself from being teased. He said to my son the following words:
“Come over here.”
At this point roughly 99% of the people in this world would recognize that only bad things are going to happen. There are three of them. Only one of you. And ‘Come over here’ really means “I’m going to hit you.”
My son, being the 1% of people in the world not able to understand all of this, walked over without any idea as to what might happen next.
He never had a chance to defend himself.
And where was I while this was happening? Helping to coach my daughter’s soccer team. After the fight was done another parent helped my son walk over to the soccer field. As I started to get details about the incident I found that the other boy was still around.
So I went after him.
The mother of the boy was starting to drive away when I walked right in front of their car and had them stop. To say I was upset is an understatement. I did my best to communicate to the older boy a few facts such as my boy is three years younger, that fighting wasn’t going to solve anything, and that if my son was doing something wrong (i.e., swearing, teasing, etc) then the boy should have found an adult to help and not decided to just start throwing blows.
But that’s not why I’m really writing this post today. Everyone knows that bullies exist on a playground, that teasing happens there, and sometimes kids are in fights. It’s up to us as adults to help them find a better way.
What people don’t recognize is that bullies exist in our adult lives as well.
As adults we don’t call it bullying. That term is usually meant to describe what happens for school aged children. As adults the terms we use are hazing, harassment, and stalking.
The definition of bully at http://stopbullying.gov is a good one to use for a reference. Go there and read it now, I’ll wait.
Back? OK. What if we remove a couple of phrases that reference children and kids? We get the following:
Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both those who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.
In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:
- An Imbalance of Power: Those who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
- Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.
Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.
I’d bet money that those sentences describe events you have encountered in your adult life, likely in a work environment. The “imbalance of power” section is VERY important for anyone that has their bonus tied to performance and their performance is based upon feedback from a select group of managers. That group can easily pressure and influence you to do things by threatening to withhold your bonus. Sound familiar to anyone? It should, because most bonus structures in the corporate world are tied to a performance review, and your performance review is based upon such feedback.
So, yeah, bullies exist even as adults. We just don’t get bloody noses as often. But the emotional scarring is just the same.
Want more examples? You don’t have to look very far.
Cyber-bullying
Also something thought to be just affecting young children, this is an all too real scenario for adults. I have personally been attacked by others through my blog or on Twitter. Years ago I would have believed that it was appropriate for me to ask others to come to my defense. I still see it today when people send out tweets that point to a negative comment on their blog and ask for others to “chime in” on their behalf.
That’s the same as if I had a gang of kids assembled on the playground to attack one lonely child. It’s bullying, and it’s not right. Go and read the definition above if you are unclear as to why this is bullying. These days I don’t ever ask someone else to comment or tweet in my defense. I’m perfectly capable of standing up for myself online, thank you.
I’d also add that emails are a form of cyber-bullying. So if you have coworkers or managers with a history of sending emails attacking you or others then you are being bullied. Again, look at the definition above.
Discrimination
Yeah, this hasn’t gone away. I doubt humans will ever shed this trait, either. But I’ll be damned if I will allow my children to be members of society without recognizing when discrimination happens.
Last weekend at a SQL Saturday in NYC I brought my daughter and we sat in on the WIT Panel discussion at lunch. My daughter enjoyed hearing stories from the panelists, about their struggles, and how they overcame adversity in one form or another. Afterwards when I talked with her I told her how wonderful it was that we live in a world where her math teacher wouldn’t say something as silly as “girls don’t belong in math class.”
And then this bullshit happens.
Seriously. That’s bullying. Just look at the definition above. It fits. The leader of that group is using their power to control others. They are excluding someone from participating on purpose.
And it makes me sad.
Physical Assault
Yep, this happens, even in the workplace. I’ve witnessed this personally, as one coworker was aggressive towards another over a disagreement regarding a piece of technology.
Seriously.
They didn’t like the answer they were given by a member of our DBA team, got verbally abusive, and physically would not let my team member leave their cubicle by blocking their access.
That’s bullying. Blocking access for a person to walk away from you is physical abuse. You are restraining them without touching them. It’s wrong, and it happens, and it needs to be addressed immediately. Just like I did last night. No way was I going to wait to address the matter, it needed to be dealt with at the time that it happened.
What Can You Do When You Are Being Bullied?
Just knowing that bullying exists as adults isn’t enough. Raising awareness is good, but what should you do if you see bullying or believe you are being bullied?
The first thing you need to do is to raise the issue with someone that has authority to take action. Many times in the workplace this means you go to your Human Resources department. Unfortunately there is a stigma associated with going to HR, and it’s the same stigma that is associated with children going to a teacher or a parent.
But we aren’t kids anymore. It’s perfectly fine for you to go to HR if you believe you have seen, or been the victim of, a bully. If you don’t, then you are allowing that person to continue operating as a bully.
Sometimes a viable option is to simply ignore the behavior, or deflect it in some manner. When my son was called “buck-toothed” and other names one thing he did was laugh and say “I’ve heard all those names before.” Unfortunately all that did was cause those girls to try to think up of things my son hadn’t heard yet. So he didn’t deflect it as well as if he had just laughed, or ignored the comments and showed those girls that the names and teasing didn’t bother him.
But the best option for my son last night and for you would be to walk away.
There are other jobs out there. Go find one. I know that is not always an easy thing to do, and that you are likely to run into another bully at your new job, too. But if you recognize that you are in a bad place and no one there is able to help, why stay?
I’d like to see stronger actions in the workplace to reduce and remove people who deploy bullying tactics. Hell, I’d like to see this in life in general, perhaps every EULA agreement should include a clause that requires everyone to adhere to Wheaton’s Law, or to listen to Dalton when he says “Be nice”.
Mean people suck. Together we can help one another in an effort to get the mean people to understand their bullying tactics are not welcome.
Thank you!
You’re welcome!
I think I need to blog about this, too. It’s time we as a community try to deal with the bullies within our group. I’m still struggling with how to do this. I walk away when I’ve been bullied, but it’s REALLY hard for me to do that when I see others being bullied. At that point, I become the surrogate parent who wants to stop the bullying. It’s so hard for me to walk away while the guy or gal with power is using that in a non-constructive way.
I also posted this comment on my FB post:
“I posted this as a rant and focused on the person and not the behavior.
I’m not naming the person or the organization because I really want to
focus on the myth that women can’t be technical.”
I’d rather that we come together to fix this specific issue. I’m not the first person to be told this. I won’t be the last.
Agreed. The first step is awareness, let’s start with that.
Thanks for this reminder. I was bullied quite often when I was a kid. And back then, you either fought back or you got beat up more if you told an adult. Sometimes, even the adults got tired of me whining about it. I’m not bitter though, it helped shape the person I am today. I can TOTALLY recognize peers who I would put into the “bully” category, and I’d be willing to bet they were the type that bullied others growing up.
In any event, your post is something I can relate to, both personally and professionally. I’ve had the same chat with my boys, and they’ve been pretty good at walking away from situations like that and getting an adult. I’m also happy to see the zero tolerance policy against bullying adopted by the schools in this area.
Thanks Tom. This is something that we need to keep awareness on.
Thanks Dave.
Well said Tom.
Thanks Steve!
I’m thankful that both of my kids made it to adulthood without suffering a single bullying incident. I’m thankful because I doubt that I would have handled it as calmly as you apparently did. Glad your son is more or less OK.
Thanks Tracy.
An excellent post, Tom. Thank you.
Thanks Joe.
My Dad bought boxing gloves and would sit there and make me and my two brothers fight each other. He made us fight fairly, and he did this to teach us how to defend ourselves. As the oldest, my Dad held me accountable to protect my younger siblings.
I’m an extremely laid back person, but to this day there’s one thing I can’t stand – bullies. I tend to square off with them.
This boy’s mother seems to be neglecting her responsibilities as a parent. If I had been bullying another kid, my Dad wouldn’t have sped away. He would have dragged me to the kid I’d bullied and would have made me apologize.
I’m sorry your son experienced this, Tom, and I hope it resolves as positively as it can.
You’re a good Dad.
Chuck
Thanks Chuck, much appreciated.
I don’t think 1% is quite fair. I suspect there are quite a lot more kids (and adults) out there that have the same trouble with social cues. Especially the ones who are used to interacting with people who are very cerebral, if you will. I’m guessing here, since I’ve only spent about 10 hectic minutes with your kids, but it’s probably not so much an inability to pick up on the warning signals, but more a case of not knowing what else to do except what works with his family, which is dissect, analyze, and talk.
He was faced with a production server melt-down and only knew one way to solve the problem. It wasn’t really his fault that the method he knew works most of the time. He needs more tools in his arsenal and more labs to practice on. A little role playing might give him the opportunity to practice alternative options without the added stress of the dealing with the actual situation.
And be gentle with yourselves. He’s going to figure this out, especially with parents who are so obviously willing to help him learn from the situation.
Christina,
Yeah, the 1% may be unfair. We do our best to help in with his social interactions. This isn’t the first time he has been teased, so we have made an effort to get him to walk away, or deflect. He says he tried both the other night, but was simply so angry that he didn’t want to back down from being teased.
Honestly, I’m proud and scared at the same time. But clearly I need to do better for him otherwise the next 10 years are going to be more difficult.
Thanks for the comment.
Excellent post. The lessons of the playground are frequently hard ones. It’s a good point that maybe we need to address bullies within what we call our SQL Family. I sure hope I haven’t crossed any lines, but I do know people I avoid because they do engage in what can only be called bullying behavior. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe the lessons of the playground should be applied. The lesson I learned, and maybe everyone doesn’t learn this one, is that bullies seriously dislike hard targets. Meaning, as soon as you fought back in a meaningful way, hurt them, showed them you weren’t going to lie down & take it, you were off the list. Maybe it’s time for that, in a much more abstract sense of course, to start happening. Again, excellent post.
Thanks Grant.
Just as adults don’t always recognize when they’re being bullied, I also think adults can miss that they are bullying or that bullying is happening around them. Awareness is key. Excellent post.
Great point! I can think of a handful of people that have taken action that would be akin to bullying, myself included. I’m doing my best to be more aware, not just of others, but for myself.
It is also worth mentioning that there is value in understanding what is NOT bullying, as you would not want to accuse someone of being a bully when they are truly not being one.
Great post, Tom. Having been the target of a lot of bullying when I was a kid, I appreciate that you took on this difficult topic.
Thanks Ed!
This article made me slightly angry. Having been a victim of real bullying growing up, like your son – and growing up on the internet all the way from 2400bps modem days, comparing online criticism (even the nasty stuff) to bullying is utterly ridiculous.
> Mostly it’s because my son doesn’t know how to take the social clues needed to avoid being in the situation in the first place.
I want to point out that this is victim blaming. Your son showed bravery but instead you turn it around and made it his fault for being there. There’s another argument like this: women should not XYZ because if they then get assaulted that’s their fault. Does this sound familiar? Why is that so unfair when put in the context of a girl, compared to a boy?
> then the boy should have found an adult to help
This is the hypocritical part. Where you have one set of rules for other people, you had no problem (because you gave yourself the title adult) chasing down the kid yourself. You are teaching your son learned helplessness – you are not allowed to defend yourself, have others defend you! But then you say this:
> These days I don’t ever ask someone else to comment or tweet in my defense. I’m perfectly capable of standing up for myself online, thank you.
So it’s appropriate for YOU to do what you want and break your own rules. But everyone else must play by other rules. Don’t defend yourself. Go running to HR.
> Unfortunately there is a stigma associated with going to HR, and it’s the same stigma that is associated with children going to a teacher or a parent.
No I think the stigma is that HR is there to save the company from legal complications, and claiming that you’re a victim (even if you are) is a legal complication that is most simply handled by firing the victimised employee – and I have seen this first hand many times.
Everyone should think twice before coming to HR unless you have some savings and are ready to lose your job, then take the company to court afterwards for justice (assuming you live in a country where the courts might care – Australia is one of them).
I just want to tie things up now on this:
> I have personally been attacked by others through my blog or on Twitter.
I know the terror of being bullied at school, mercilessly, where you are FORCED to attend by law every day, are literally beaten up, spat on, and have groups of people treating you like garbage. Where teachers have their hands tied and can’t act against the entire school of kids, parents don’t care, and kids don’t care.
I don’t care what level of “attacks” you have to bear on your blog or Twitter. These are mere words that can be blocked and ignored, in a community of billions instead of a schoolyard community (or workplace) of just a few or a few hundred people.
Having people be mean to you ISN’T bullying, and CALLING it bullying demeans all of the people who ARE or WERE bullied every day. I would have traded my entire childhood of abuse for your entire adulthood of mere tweets. The way you act like one is like the other is frankly disgusting.
I certainly did not intend to write an article that would make anyone angry. I’m sorry if that’s the case here.
You’ve raised some valid points. I’m going to address each one.
My son is behind on his social skills. We know this and are making every effort to work with him. While my words may suggest I am blaming him for this, I am not. If anything I blame myself for not having helped prepare him for situations like this.
I said the boy should find an adult because all children need to be taught how to do things, including how to hate. Adults need to teach children that using their fists is not the answer they are looking for. I was not intending to tell them that someone else needs to defend them.
I believe that going to HR is standing up for yourself, same as going to the principal, or finding an adult. Asking for help is not by itself a bad thing. Asking for people to start attacking someone else on your behalf, whether in real life or online, is not the right thing to do.
I understand the legal implications with going to HR. I understand that may not be a viable option for every circumstance.
I was bullied and teased as a child. Most people were. I have yet to find anyone that ever claims to have been a bully, which is odd considering everyone feels they were bullied to some degree. I’m familiar with what happens when people are bullied:
http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/03/holding_for_pho.html
I’m also familiar with what happens when people are bullied online:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/07/hannah-smith-suicide-cyberbullying_n_3714687.html
Sometimes mere words cannot be ignored. Cyber-bullying is a real thing, and it hurts real people.
I don’t believe either you or I are in a position to judge how other people are made to feel as a result of being teased or bullied, whether in a virtual world or a physical one.
I’m sorry that my post has disgusted you. There is a clear defined definition of what bullying is, and I’ve done my best here to interpret that meaning. My eyes see the definition as something that defines more than just a child’s world. I understand you don’t agree with this, and that’s fine.
I would think you do agree that all of this makes for a very sad topic.
Instead of debating the semantics of a definition and scenarios I am going to choose to spend my energy on finding ways to help people communicate and learn to work together without feeling the need to bully or tease others.
Hi again,
I guess this is my day of responding.
I wanted to repond to you and DrOWL.
As we know ideologies have changed considerably since we were kids. I still have my own general standards of what is bullying and what isn’t. I think there is a difference between teasing and bullying – the difference is that if someone is teased the person may not intend to bully or hurt the person, but it does hurt. A teaser may move on but a bully will continue. To think that we will live in a peace and love society is unrealistic. Teasing isn’t fun, and it’ s up to the parents to teach the person teasing or being teased how to handle it. My stepson was a ‘bully’. We didn’t tolerate it and sometime between 2nd – 4th grade it was corrected. He still is now a 7th grade boy and while I don’t consider him a bully he has moments when it’s him and other boys and the get into name calling and at most some pushing. Again, we don’t tolerate it and let him know that. We aren’t perfect but we try to set the example. Whenever the school or parent approached us, we were apologetic and corrected his behaviour. Why as a society do we find messing with each other fun? I don’t know that answer, but ‘smack cam’/ ‘scare cam’ is big on vine.
As for DrOwl, it seems like your issues were not only the bullies, but your parents. Parents need to protect their kids. I think that is what Thomas was doing but as an adult he can protect his self, vs have two sets of rules. My kids tell me all the time about them being teased. I tell them to say ‘later hater’ and walk away. When they come back and say that walking away doesn’t work, then I talk to the teachers. There have been times where I have to walk up to a kid and say hey don’t treat my son like that, because then they know someone cares about my son and their behavior is not going unnoticed. I could not imagine my children getting spit on by anyone without me either changing their school or getting the behavior modified, even if it mean me going to that school everyday and getting those kids expelled!
As for work, I have never been bullied, but i’m female, so i’ve felt the sexist attitude, and on top of that i’m black, and i’ve never had direct racism, but I know the indirect looks/comments when people can’t believe a black female can be in technology and know what they are doing.
I hope your son learned a good lesson and doesn’t let that incident become a road block to him. My son is similar, he’s a big kid but doesn’t want to fight. I’m always like I hope when he gets older he doesn’t get picked on cause he has a soft heart and big body. But if he does, I hope im instilling in him know some self confidence to know it’s them and not him!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts nat, much appreciated.