good jobsHere we go again.

I’ve preached about this before. I’ve tried to help. But every time I think I’ve gotten the message out I inevitably have someone send me a job description so awful I feel compelled to share it here.

I want you to read the following job description (yes, it *is* a real one, I didn’t make it up) and then I want you to give me an honest answer as to how many people on the planet you think could meet all of these requirements.

I’d be surprised if I needed more than one hand to count that number of people.

Title

Sr. SQL DBA

Location

Washington, DC

Clearance

Must hold an Active Secret at minimum (TS preferred)

DUTIES & RESPONSIBILITIES:

  • Troubleshoot performance issues and other problems using SQL Server profiler, SQL Server Performance Dashboard Reports, Activity Monitor, PAL tool and Perfmon.
  • Apply SQL Server Service Packs to the current patch level, and Cumulative Updates as required to address specific issues.
  • Routinely solve critical production problems, and perform point-in-time database recoveries.
  • Build, deploy and manage SQL Server Management Data Warehouse and Utility Control Point servers.
  • Responsible for many related technologies including installing Windows Server on both physical and virtual machines in VMware, implementing iSCSI as needed, allocating EMC/Clariion SAN LUNs and mount points, creating service accounts and adjusting GPOs in Active Directory, configuring networking and firewall rules, and much more.
  • Topology and capacity planning including number of Windows and SQL Server cluster nodes and SQL server instances, CPU and RAM speed and quantity, local disk configuration.
  • In-depth SAN optimization including LUN, mount-point, RAID and spindle configurations, queue depth, and load-balancing algorithms.
  • Develop and implement complex T-SQL, VBScript and PowerShell scripts for administration tasks.
  • Author and maintain all SQL Server documentation including DBA manuals for most every server including design, installation and configuration, as well as detailed work logs.
  • Ensure high-availability and data security by implementing Windows and SQL Server Failover Clustering and SQL Server 2012 AlwaysOn Availability Groups, rigorous backup and recovery plans, SAN mirroring to disaster recovery sites, and implementation of Department of Homeland Security SQL Server hardening guidelines and auditing.
  • Perform regular maintenance including index optimization, consistency checks, and data file and transaction log size monitoring using built-in tools, custom written T-SQL scripts, SQL Agent Jobs, and Database Mail; and enterprise monitoring using SCOM.
  • Upgrade DTS packages to SSIS, and develop new SSIS packages for ETL.
  • Monitor and optimize index fragmentation using scripts from Ola Hallengren.

Oracle Skills (Desired)

  • Oracle RAC/ASM installation and administration 11gR2
  • Database tuning for bulk I/O tuning.
  • SQL*Loader – handling Gigabytes of data loads
  • Advanced PL/SQL
  • Familiarity with ETL tools

QUALIFICATIONS:

  • Familiarity with SCRUM process.
  • Very organized, with attention to detail.
  • Architect, design, install, configure, optimize and manage complex enterprise-wide SQL Server 2005 and 2012 instances, running on Windows Server 2003 and 2008 R2.
  • Heavy emphasis on designing and building the SQL Server architecture for SharePoint 2010.
  • Very heavy emphasis on complex Windows and SQL cluster builds with 3 or more nodes, with SAN data being replicated to a secondary data center with another 3 or more node cluster.
  • Experience with SQL Server 2012 AlwaysOn Availability Groups a plus.
  • Maintain consistent development, testing, staging, production and disaster recovery environments, both on physical machines and VMware virtual machines in three secure data centers.
  • Upgrade SQL Server 2005 databases used by SharePoint 2007, to SQL Server 2012 databases used by SharePoint 2010.
  • Familiarity with SQL Server Remote Blob Storage, and Metalogix StoragePoint.
  • Encrypt SQL Server databases using Transparent Data Encryption.

OK folks, how many issues do we see here? How many different jobs are listed?

In case you were asking “what does it pay?”, here is the current salary table for government jobs: http://archive.opm.gov/oca/12tables/html/dcb.asp. I believe a DBA job falls to a Grade 10, but I have heard of some starting at a Grade 11. Of course the benefits with a government job usually make up for the difference in salary with a private job, but that is never guaranteed.

If you believe you meet these requirements, let me know as I’d love to chat with you before passing you along to the recruiter.